111 days… and counting…

The following is a response to a comment on my previous piece, The Future of the Past, from a fellow blogger known as Free to think, free to believe…

Free’s comment can be found here…

https://theprogenitor.wordpress.com/2008/03/06/the-future-of-the-past/#comment-13

And his blog can be found here…

http://stumblingtoheaven.wordpress.com/

And my response to Free’s comment can be found below! 🙂

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I certainly hope we will give our child “a good well-balanced home”… One always harbours fears that things won’t be as one wishes them to be, but I believe my other half and I have the ability, collective experience, etc, to be able to do so.

On the concept of “Happy Vs Unhappy Childhood”… I’m not sure I don’t “have that shadow”! I do have plenty of memories that I look back upon fondly, but are they seen through the eyewear of rosy hue that one acquires in one’s mid-thirties, as a sixty-year-old (or sixty-five – I can’t quite remember these days) acquires a bus pass? I don’t think it would be right to say I had an “unhappy” childhood, but I certainly have recollections of often being “troubled,” of worrying and fretting about things a lot – possibly more than the average child… I think I experienced a fair amount of existential angst during my early/mid-teenage years (but doesn’t everyone?)…

When I have these “bursts of nostalgia,” they are rarely particularly tangible… which is why I don’t go into detail herewith on the specific nature of such! They are flashes of imagery, sounds, smells and the associated emotions… recently these flashes have occurred more frequently and they are likely to occur in clusters rather than individually… and although they are “happy” memories, it is often, in some sense of the word, painful to recall them… I’m not entirely sure why… I suppose it is yearning for the kinds of things one felt as a child, which one can never truly feel as an adult… a particular intensity of wonder, of excitement, of strong and unwavering (more or less) belief in “other” (Father Christmas, angels, fairies, God, aliens, magic or whatever) – I do still believe in things as an adult, but as a child there was less doubt, less questioning… and perhaps less fear?

I have started attempting, rather than avoiding these painful bursts of nostalgia, to confront them, wallow in them, dig deeply into them and derive actual pleasure from them… It’s starting to work! I’ve been writing down some of these flashes of memory (which I may at least partially publish herewith at some point)… and I’ve started sharing some of them with my brother and the mother-to-be-of-my-child… My aim is to start to convince myself that I can feel the kinds of things I felt as a child – why the heck not?! I am an adult, I have adult responsibilities and all that kind of gubbins (and one more “responsibility” to shortly add to that list!)… I can’t literally re-live my childhood… but why can’t I concurrently live as a child and as an adult?

I have always had a Peter Pan hue to my beliefs – on how one should live one’s life, how one should relate to others, etc… Maybe it’s time to rejuvenate these beliefs! I am thinking/hoping myself and my child can help each other with this… 🙂

 

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