38 days… and counting…

Jo and I went to the Baby Show at the Birmingham NEC yesterday. I can honestly say I have never seen so many pushchairs and pregnant women under one roof in my life! Whether it was because of the intense aura of parent-ness and parent-to-be-ness at the show or simply the exhaustion-inducing factor of such (believe me, traipsing round a packed hall for four hours, filling in forms, talking to people about various baby and pregnancy-related things, and scavenging as many freebies as one pair of arms (i.e. mine) can take, is exhausting), but when we got home, after we had counted the freebies, had something to eat and finally flopped onto the living room floor with a cup of tea… I suddenly felt this overwhelming flood of emotions…

As you may have gathered, if you have been reading this blog thus far, I have been feeling what one might call “the usual sorts of emotions” in relation to my pending dadness – these emotions are, of course, on the one hand, unique to me, but also they do loosely fall under the commonly known categories of “desperately terrified” and “desperately excited”… I have had a few, as it were, “reality checks,” the impact of which has been cumulative, but overall it has all felt pretty abstract. I’m having a baby… I’m having a child… I’m going to be a dad… and all that… hmm, still does not entirely compute…

But…

What a Reality Check of immense proportions the Baby Show was!

I can’t remember if I have ever mentioned in any kind of online context that a few years ago I had something of a “mortality crisis”… in which I came to the fearful realisation that my life henceforth may remain pretty much the same… this terrified me… it made me pretty depressed, on and off, for a while… this fear did kind of go away, but not entirely – it has always lingered, been something my worrisome mind could dive into, swim around in, if I allowed it… and as such it has taken something of an effort to see, to believe that there could be any major, positive, future developments in my life…

Until now! This is, of course, not entirely due to the Baby Show, but 18 May 2008 will, I think, go down as a pretty big landmark in the course of my changing attitude towards new status-to-be… the “to-be” part being something which can be crossed off in only a few short weeks!

Speaking of landmarks… there are so many of them I am now looking forward to! So many of them ahead! First crawl, first word, first step, first birthday, first Christmas, first time one doesn’t have to buy/wash nappies, first school, first book he/she reads on his/her own, first box of Lego, first time I can play a “proper” board game and/or computer game with him/her, first “best friend,” first girlfriend/boyfriend, first bike, first time I am asked to help him/her with homework or revising for exams, first pint, first car… and no doubt a zillion other things I haven’t thought of.

I had the fear a few years ago that my life henceforth may remain pretty much the same…

However else you look at it… there’s no way that’s going to happen now! 🙂

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