10 months, 2 weeks & 2 days into Daddyhood

At 3:30 am… she wakes… she has a feed off her mum… I put her back to bed, but she doesn’t want to sleep… 😐

She cries… she is too hot… I strip her down to her vest… give her a drink… she settles a little…

Then I go to stroke her head… say, shhh… speak softly and quietly… time for sleep now, sweetie… and such things…

But now she is lively!

She wants to play!

I go to stroke her head, but…

She grabs my hand! Gurgles at it, gives me that winning smile, chuckles and says, “Daddy!”…

But I continue to try to stroke her head… say, shhh… speak softly and quietly… time for sleep now, sweetie… and such things…

Smile and hold her hands…

My back starts to hurt from half-kneeling by the side of the cot…

She won’t settle!

I change her…

Try settling her again…

She wants to play again…

Mummy feeds her again…

She won’t settle again… we leave her to cry… and cry…

Until I relent at 5:35… get up… take her downstairs… cuddle her… stroke her… but she continues to whimper and cry…

I take her back upstairs at 5:55… hold her hands for a few minutes… she finally slips off to sleep…

And wakes forty minutes later!

I look at her… she looks at me… I feed her banana… give her a drink… (I’m so tired)… I give her Blonde Dolly to play with… she gurgles and chuckles at Blonde Dolly… I smile at her… she smiles at me… she seems to see my tiredness – my premonition of an exhausting day at work – and she seems to feel some baby-ish version of remorse… if she could say sorry, she looks like maybe she would… but ultimately she just wants to play…

Mummy and Daddy are so tired and not happy… and we tried being firm, tried showing her that we are the parents… but she just wanted to smile and play and giggle and gurgle and…

I feel so guilty at making her cry, lying her in her cot, telling her to go to sleep, when all she wanted to do was laugh and smile and play!

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty…

I know it’s all just part of the process of parenting – setting guidelines and all that palaver…

But when I look at her, desperate for a couple more hours kip, and she just gives me that winning smile and I walk away and she cries

Guilt squared!

😐 😐 😐

Advertisements